I know I will never forget that night.  I need to get it out of me though, write it down.  It was the most horrific experience of my entire life and I can’t even really describe it for anyone to be able to understand or feel it unless you have been in a similar situation.

As I was leaving like I usually do at 9:30 from my boyfriend’s house, I hear him run across the house from outside.  He usually knocks on the window and blows me kisses.  Instead I hear this god-awful scream, the worst, most in pain scream i’ve ever heard.  I run back and try my key, but I’m shaking, and finally I get the door open and find….

that he stubbed his toe.

He’s in complete agony and his toe is really gross and popped out of place.  He starts freaking out and I start freaking out, but he tells me to calm down, so I get him an ice pack (some frozen cuddlefish balls) and he’s okay for 5 to 10 minutes.  Then he talks about getting really hot, so I take him out on the porch with me.  He doesn’t have his shirt on, so i offer him my coat. 

“I’m too hot, i’m really too hot.  I don’t feel good, I really don’t feel good.  Jordan, I can’t see.”  I immediately grab his shoulders and his dead weight falls directly on me and I can’t hold him, so I have to slide him down the door.  He’s unconscious with his eyes closed.

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I have to stop here and take a break.  The rest for me is really hard to talk about.  I’m going to go get some air.

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He was…he was making this funny sound with his lips, and his head was pressed to his chest.  He wouldn’t wake up.  I was SCREAMING I WAS SCREAMING I WAS SCREAMING RYAN PLEASE WAKE UP OH GOD PLEASE WAKE UP PLEASE RYAN PLEASE RYAN PLEASE. I was pounding on his chest and then he was above me and all I could see were the whites of his eyes. this is the worst part for me. I knew something was really wrong then and I was so scared I didn’t know if I could be strong enough to stay living, to help him. I was never so terrified. his head was back and he started seizing, mostly from his limbs but his upper body and head too. this whole thing went on for about 20 seconds, but it will never leave me.  It will be with me for a lifetime, playing back. One of his legs swung up and he was just standing over me screaming WHAT HAPPENED JORDAN? WHAT’S WRONG? JORDAN. WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED. I was crying and puking off the side of his porch and he was trying to comfort me and I told him that he had passed out and had a seizure.  I called my mom and was sobbing and he said…

“Call 911 please, I don’t feel good.”

He thought it was going to happen again and the operator had him lay on his side and he felt better. He was responding to me and he told me that I was the one that had pulled him out.  We heard the sirens; the fire department was there first.  Then EMS.  And our brains worried about the most stupid things like how silly his hair looked or whether or not the house was clean.  I hid in the bathroom, I don’t remember why, I think I was puking or having a panic attack, but they brought me out and asked me questions. 

He went to the ER and I finally was able to go.  I stayed until 3:30 in the morning when he was finally released.  He’s fine.  Lack of food, low blood pressure, + injury, stress, etc. etc.  There’s nothing in his brain and he feels fine and better than ever, like it’s back in place.

I love him. This has solidified it.  I don’t think i’ll ever get that picture out of my mind though.  He keeps telling me everything will be okay, but he knows I blame myself.

I want to thank God and everyone that has helped us through all of our troubles.  You mean the world to me.  And Ryan, you mean the world and the moon and the stars and the sun and infinity to me.  I couldn’t live in this world without you.  Thank you for being strong and being okay.  We WILL make you better.  I love you, love, love, love, love, love you.

and everything is going to be okay. <3

i’m glad it’s over. it was a blessing in disguise. take care, my lovely.

^ This